He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
