I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
