Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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