I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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