Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
