Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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