I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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