Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
