There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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