On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
