and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
