somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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