It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize