Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
