HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize