my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
