apparently the secret to your success is patron
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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