how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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