6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
