I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
