im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
