Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
