There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You are the jesus of drinking
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
