when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
