So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
