Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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