I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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