When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
