Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize