I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
