The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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