everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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