This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
