He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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