I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
