So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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