So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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