I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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