wakey wakey hands off snakey
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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