he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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