Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
