I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
