First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
