we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
