I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
