Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
