Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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