Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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