If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
