Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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