ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I need moral support for this bender
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
