shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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