Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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