I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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