mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
