I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
