Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
