I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
