Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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