well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize