blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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