I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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