you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
