gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize